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Yaheli_Faro
16/08/2008, 05:55 PM
Post any good jokes you heard/know here. :P

here are a few:

1) Two blondes are stuck in a hole, they each start yelling "help! help!". Then one blonde says "I have an idea, lets yell together". So they start yelling "Together! Together!"

2) Yo Mama jokes:

-Yo mama is so fat she went to the movies and sat next to everyone.
-Yo mama is so fat when she put on a yellow jacket and walked down the stairs people thought the sun was setting.
-Yo mama is so fat when she tripped over on 4th Ave, she landed on 12th
-Yo mama so fat she wakes up in sections!

3) What do you call a blonde between two brunettes? A mental block.

4) When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Maikel
16/08/2008, 06:03 PM
Haha :lol:

I know 1 joke, but it's a Dutch joke.

weedarr
16/08/2008, 06:09 PM
I walked into a bar today...and said ow.

WeeDarr

nate660
16/08/2008, 06:11 PM
I walked into a bar today...and said ow.

WeeDarr

:|

Anyway this isn't really a joke but a saying

if vodka was water & i was a duck. id swim 2 the bottom & never come up. but vodkas not water & im not a duck. so slide me a bottle & shut the fuck up

Ashes to ashes dust to dust, if it wasn't for fords are tools would rust

master of dragons
17/08/2008, 05:49 AM
Nice jokes. ;)

SaW
17/08/2008, 06:30 AM
Nice jokes. ;)


Just checked your forum, quite a lot illegal stuff you got there, be prepared for your forum being shut down.



I walked into a bar today...and said ow.

WeeDarr


Eh?

Nice ones Yaheli, but i just don't get those yo mama jokes :S

Donny_k
17/08/2008, 09:18 AM
Your mother is so ugly that if my dog looked like her I'd shave it's arse and teach it to walk backwards


I always liked that one for some reason, I also like to use the "something on your head" one.

You say to someone "oi you have something on your head", they go "where" or start rubbing thier head and then you say "oh sorry it's your face".

Stupid I know but funny sometimes.

weedarr
17/08/2008, 09:20 AM
Nice jokes. ;)


Just checked your forum, quite a lot illegal stuff you got there, be prepared for your forum being shut down.



I walked into a bar today...and said ow.

WeeDarr


Eh?

Nice ones Yaheli, but i just don't get those yo mama jokes :S


Walked in to a bar... a lump of metal...

WeeDarr

xClumx
17/08/2008, 09:38 AM
An 18 year old was celebrating his birthday and his dad wanted to take him to the local pub for his first pint. Now the thing to note about this 18 year old is that he was born with a strange condition that meant he had no limbs, he only had a head. So there they were enjoying a pint when the son noticed something strange. After his first drink he noticed one of his arms had come back! "It's a miracle" he said. "Here have another" said his father. The son had another drink and his other arm appeared! "This is great!" exclaimed the son. So he kept drinking, drink after drink and after a few drinks his whole body had re-appeared. The son, now in an emotional state of mind shouted with joy and ran outside in his moment of happiness. He ran straight into the path of an oncoming lorry and was instantly killed. The bartender turned round to the father and said "Should've quite while he was a head".

Lazlow.
17/08/2008, 09:40 AM
A blonde is in the first class section of a flight to New York. A flight attendant approaches her and asks, "Excuse me, do you have a first class ticket?" The blonde replies "No". The flight attendant tells her to move back to Economy class, but the blonde is reluctant and says, "I'm flying to New York and I'm flying in First Class!" The flight attendant asks the co-pilot to talk to the blonde, so the co-pilot comes to the First Class cabin and tells the blonde to leave, but once again she's reluctant and insists she's flying first class to New York. The co-pilot and flight attendant are stumped, so they go and ask the Captain for help. The captain walks up to the woman, whispers in her ear and she jumps out of her seat and runs to the back of the plane. "Wow," said the flight attendant. "what did you tell her?" The pilot replied, "I told her the First Class compartment wasn't going to New York".

Pretty bad, but meh.

SaW
17/08/2008, 09:55 AM
Nice jokes. ;)


Just checked your forum, quite a lot illegal stuff you got there, be prepared for your forum being shut down.



I walked into a bar today...and said ow.

WeeDarr


Eh?

Nice ones Yaheli, but i just don't get those yo mama jokes :S


Walked in to a bar... a lump of metal...

WeeDarr


Aah, now i got it :P

Yaheli_Faro
17/08/2008, 10:26 AM
Your mother is so ugly that if my dog looked like her I'd shave it's arse and teach it to walk backwards


I always liked that one for some reason, I also like to use the "something on your head" one.

You say to someone "oi you have something on your head", they go "where" or start rubbing thier head and then you say "oh sorry it's your face".

Stupid I know but funny sometimes.


I like it when you say it to a person who thinks they have great hair so instead of "oh, it's your face" you say "oh, it's just your hair" :p

Antironix
17/08/2008, 10:36 AM
If your mother is lieing on the beach, greenpeace is coming to put her back into the sea.

Bogdan Cirstea
17/08/2008, 11:46 AM
A woman passes near a Pet Shop when she hears a parrot saying: Yo, lady, you're soo ugly! :!:
-The woman heard but kept walkin'.
The same day, she passes again in the front of the pet shop when she hears again the parrot insulting her: hey lady, you REALLY are very ugly. The woman, pissed of :x, enters the shop and tells the owner what the parrot kept saying. He apologizes and says: "this will never happen again. Accept my apologies ".
The next day the woman passes again in front of the pet shopt, just to see if the parrot will say anything again. Then she hears:
-"hey lady...."
-"yes?" says the woman..
-"you know what i wanna say"


regards!

LethaL
17/08/2008, 05:09 PM
I walked into a bar today...and said ow.

WeeDarr

UK humor ;) Heres a classic "A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks, "Hey, why the long
face?"

Edit: heres a "blonde joke" (in same style) "Two blondes walk into the bar....You'd think one of them would of seen it?"

xClumx
17/08/2008, 05:14 PM
I walked into a bar today...and said ow.

WeeDarr

UK humor ;) Heres a classic "A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks, "Hey, why the long
face?"


A blonde walks into an electrical store asking to buy a TV, the salesmen tells her, "No, we don't sell to blondes"
So she comes back the next day and tries to buy the same TV again, the salesmen repeats "No, we don't sell to blondes"
The next day the blonde had an idea, she dyed her hair black, put on a fake moustache and dressed up in men's clothing. She walked into the store and again asked to buy the TV. She was shocked to hear "I've told you twice already, we don't sell to blondes" The blonde looked in confusion and said "How did you know it was me?" The man replies, "Because that's a microwave, not a tv."

chesh
17/08/2008, 05:41 PM
"is that your face or is your neck blowing a bubble" is the one i like alot

Yaheli_Faro
17/08/2008, 05:42 PM
lol, great jokes :p

JaTochNietDan
18/08/2008, 12:57 AM
Chuck Norris once was bitten by a cobra, after three extremely painful days, the cobra died.
Chuck Norris knows who let the dogs out.
Chuck Norris has SA-MP 0.2.5.
Chuck Norris can sneeze with his eyes open.
Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.
Chuck Norris is suing Myspace for taking the name of what he calls everything around you.
Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
Chuck Norris is so fast, he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head.
Chuck Norris’ hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush.
Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water AND make it drink.
Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch, HE decides what time it is.
Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.
Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost
Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.
Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.
Chuck Norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it.
Chuck Norris can't finish a "color by numbers" because his markers are filled with the blood of his victims. Unfortunately, all blood is dark red.
Chuck Norris’ house has no doors, only walls that he walks through.
Chuck Norris doesn't actually write books, the words assemble themselves out of fear.
Chuck Norris CAN believe it's not butter.
Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
Chuck Norris invented his own type of karate. It's called Chuck-Will-Kill.
Chuck Norris once sued the Houghton-Mifflin textbook company when it became apparent that their account of the war of 1812 was plagiarized from his autobiography.
Chuck Norris doesnt shave; he kicks himself in the face. The only thing that can cut Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris always knows the EXACT location of Carmen SanDiego.
Chuck Norris invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.
Chuck Norris has the greatest Poker-Face of all time. He won the 1983 World Series of Poker, despite holding only a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoloy card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game UNO.
Chuck Norris doesn't throw up if he drinks too much. Chuck Norris throws down!
Chuck Norris has 12 moons. One of those moons is the Earth.
Chuck Norris grinds his coffee with his teeth and boils the water with his own rage.
Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.
Chuck Norris and Mr. T walked into a bar. The bar was instantly destroyed, as that level of awesome cannot be contained in one building.
Chuck Norris can drink an entire gallon of milk in thirty-seven second
Chuck Norris doesn't bowl strikes, he just knocks down one pin and the other nine faint.
Chuck Norris has a deep and abiding respect for human life... unless it gets in his way.
Chuck Norris doesn't believe in Germany.
Chuck Norris once ate an entire bottle of sleeping pills. They made him blink.
Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.
Chuck Norris played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.
Chuck Norris is responsible for China's over-population. He hosted a Karate tournament in Beijing and all women within 1,000 miles became pregnant instantly.
Chuck Norris once worked as a weatherman for the San Diego evening news. Every night he would make the same forecast: Partly cloudy with a 75% chance of Pain.
Chuck Norris invented the bolt-action rifle, liquor, sexual intercourse, and football-- in that order.
Chuck Norris keeps his friends close and his enemies closer. Close enough to drop them with one round house kick to the face.
Chuck Norris doesn't stub his toes. He accidentally destroys chairs, bedframes, and sidewalks.
Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks don't really kill people. They wipe out their entire existence from the space-time continuum.
Chuck Norris does not own a stove, oven, or microwave , because revenge is a dish best served cold.
Chuck Norris is expected to win gold in every swimming competition at the 2008 Beijing Olympics, even though Chuck Norris does not swim. This is because when Chuck Norris enters the water, the water gets out of his way and Chuck Norris simply walks across the pool floor
Chuck Norris built a better mousetrap, but the world was too frightened to beat a path to his door.
Chuck Norris eats beef jerky and craps gunpowder. Then, he uses that gunpowder to make a bullet, which he uses to kill a cow and make more beef jerky. Some people refer to this as the "Circle of Life."
Chuck Norris proved that we are alone in the universe. We weren't before his first space expedition.
Chuck Norris doesn't step on toes. Chuck Norris steps on necks.
Chuck Norris does not "style" his hair. It lays perfectly in place out of sheer terror.
Chuck Norris did in fact, build Rome in a day.
Chuck Norris once sued Burger King after they refused to put razor wire in his Whopper Jr, insisting that that actually is "his" way.
Chuck Norris doesn't play god. Playing is for children.
Chuck Norris is the only person in the world that can actually email a roundhouse kick.
Chuck Norris won super bowls VII and VIII singlehandedly before unexpectedly retiring to pursue a career in ass-kicking.
Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.
Chuck Norris cannot love, he can only not kill.
Chuck Norris once pulled out a single hair from his beard and skewered three men through the heart with it.
Chuck Norris’ favourite cut of meat is the roundhouse.
Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.
Chuck Norris invented a language that incorporates karate and roundhouse kicks. So next time Chuck Norris is kicking your ass, don’t be offended or hurt, he may be just trying to tell you he likes your hat.
Chuck Norris's show is called Walker: Texas Ranger, because Chuck Norris doesn't run.
Chuck Norris brushes his teeth with a mixture of iron shavings, industrial paint remover, and wood-grain alcohol.
Chuck Norris wears a live rattlesnake as a condom.
Chuck Norris began selling the Total Gym as an ill-fated attempt to make his day-to-day opponents less laughably pathetic.
Chuck Norris was what Willis was talkin' about.
Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water AND make it drink.
Chuck Norris shot the sheriff, but he round house kicked the deputy.
Chuck Norris can judge a book by its cover.
Chuck Norris does not play the lottery. It doesn't have nearly enough balls.
Chuck Norris just says "no" to drugs. If he said "yes", it would collapse Colombia's infrastructure.
Chuck Norris does not own a house. He walks into random houses and people move.
Chuck Norris is the only person to ever win a staring contest against Ray Charles and Stevie Wonder at the same time.
Chuck Norris smells what the Rock is cooking... because the Rock is Chuck Norris' personal chef.
Chuck Norris does not eat. Food understands that the only safe haven from Chuck Norris' fists is inside his own body.
Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.
Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
Chuck Norris uses a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris is not capable of hitting a target on the broad side of a barn. Every time he tries, the whole damn barn falls down.
Chuck Norris kills anyone that asks, "You want fries with that" because by now everyone should know that Chuck doesn't ever want fries with anything. Ever.
Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin. Its decendants are known today as Giraffes
Chuck Norris once went skydiving, but promised never to do it again. One Grand Canyon is enough.
Chuck Norris's version of a "chocolate milkshake" is a raw porterhouse wrapped around ten Hershey bars, and doused in diesel fuel.
Chuck Norris puts his pants on one leg at a time, just like the rest of us. The only difference is, then he kills people.
Chuck Norris got his drivers license at the age of 16. Seconds.
Chuck Norris can win at solitaire with only 18 cards.
Chuck Norris once shat blood - the blood of 11,940 natives he had killed and eaten.
Chuck Norris doesn't look both ways before he crosses the street... he just roundhouses any cars that get too close.
Chuck Norris does not have to answer the phone. His beard picks up the incoming electrical impulses and translates them into audible sound.
Chuck Norris doesnt wear a watch, HE decides what time it is.
Chuck Norris used to play baseball. When Babe Ruth was hailed as the better player, Chuck Norris killed him with a baseball bat to the throat. Lou Gehrig got off easy.
Chuck Norris’ roundhouse kick is so powerful, it can be seen from outer space by the naked eye.
Chuck Norris' Roundhouse kick is so powerful, that on the set of Sidekicks he single-footedly destroyed Jonathan Brandis' Career.
Chuck Norris can taste lies.
Chuck Norris does not kick ass and take names. In fact, Chuck Norris kicks ass and assigns the corpse a number. It is currently recorded to be in the billions.
Chuck Norris can blow bubbles with beef jerky.
Chuck Norris does, in fact, live in a round house.
Chuck Norris can skeletize a cow in two minutes.
Chuck Norris' first job was as a paperboy. There were no survivors.
Chuck Norris has never been in a fight, ever. Do you call one roundhouse kick to the face a fight?
Chuck Norris never wet his bed as a child. The bed wet itself out of fear.
Chuck Norris uses 8'x10' sheets of plywood as toilet paper.
Chuck Norris once invited all of the other badasses from TV to duke it out in order to see who was the supreme badass. Only two showed up-- Jack Bauer and MacGyver.
Chuck Norris eats steak for every single meal. Most times he forgets to kill the cow.
Chuck Norris doesn't go on the internet, he has every internet site stored in his memory. He refreshes webpages by blinking.
Chuck Norris knows everything there is to know - Except for the definition of mercy.
Chuck Norris never has to wax his skis because they're always slick with blood.
Chuck Norris can win a game of Trivial Pursuit with one roll of the dice, and without answering a single question... just a nod of the head, and a stroke of the beard.
Chuck Norris never goes to the dentist because his teeth are unbreakable. His enemies never go to the dentist because they have no teeth.
Chuck Norris was once in a knife fight, and the knife lost.
Chuck Norris is widely predicted to be first black president. If you're thinking to yourself, "But Chuck Norris isn't black", then you are dead wrong. And stop being a racist.
Chuck Norris can be unlocked on the hardest level of Tekken. But only Chuck Norris is skilled enough to unlock himself. Then he roundhouse kicks the Playstation back to Japan.
Chuck Norris drinks napalm to quell his heartburn.
Chuck Norris once ordered a steak in a restaurant. The steak did what it was told.
Chuck Norris once ate four 30lb bowling balls without chewing.
Chuck Norris was banned from competitive bullriding after a 1992 exhibition in San Antonio, when he rode the bull 1,346 miles from Texas to Milwaukee Wisconsin to pick up his dry cleaning.
Chuck Norris qualified with a top speed of 324 mph at the Daytona 500, without a car.
Chuck Norris likes his coffee half and half: half coffee grounds, half wood-grain alcohol.
Chuck Norris uses tabasco sauce instead of visine.
Chuck Norris' credit cards have no limit. Last weekend, he maxed them out.
Chuck Norris sleeps with a pillow under his gun.
Chuck Norris owns a chain of fast-food restaurants throughout the southwest. They serve nothing but barbecue-flavored ice cream and Hot Pockets.
Chuck Norris doesn't chew gum. Chuck Norris chews tin foil.
Chuck Norris starts everyday with a protein shake made from Carnation Instant Breakfast, one dozen eggs, pure Colombian cocaine, and rattlesnake venom. He injects it directly into his neck with a syringe.
Chuck Norris doesn't see dead people. He makes people dead.
Chuck Norris is the only person who can simultaneously hold and fire FIVE Uzis: One in each hand, one in each foot -- and the 5th one he roundhouse-kicks into the air, so that it sprays bullets.
Chuck Norris knows the last digit of pi.
Chuck Norris plays racquetball with a waffle iron and a bowling ball.
Chuck Norris doesn't believe in ravioli. He stuffs a live turtle with beef and smothers it in pig's blood.
Chuck Norris is not Politically Correct. He is just Correct. Always.
Chuck Norris had to stop washing his clothes in the ocean. The tsunamis were killing people.
Chuck Norris' favorite cereal is Kellogg's Nails 'N' Gravel.
Chuck Norris has never been accused of murder for the simple fact that his roundhouse kicks are recognized world-wide as "acts of God."
Chuck Norris is the only man who has, literally, beaten the odds. With his fists.
Chuck Norris wipes his ass with chain mail and sandpaper.
Chuck Norris describes human beings as "a sociable holder for blood and guts".
Chuck Norris likes his ice like he likes his skulls: crushed
Chuck Norris did not "lose" his virginity, he stalked it and then destroyed it with extreme prejudice.
Chuck Norris' pulse is measured on the richter scale.
Chuck Norris CAN in fact 'raise the roof'. And he can do it with one hand.
Chuck Norris actually built the stairway to heaven.
Chuck Norris once skewered a man with the Eiffel tower.
Chuck Norris doesn't own a can opener, he just chews through the can.
Chuck Norris needs a monkeywrench and a blowtorch to masturbate.
Chuck Norris invented all 32 letters of the alphabet.
Chuck Norris actually owns IBM. It was an extremely hostile takeover.
Chuck Norris can jump-start a car using jumper cables attached to his nipples.
Chuck Norris doesn't have blood. He is filled with magma.
Chuck Norris eats a bowl of diamonds every morning.
Chuck Norris is not only a noun, but a verb.

nate660
18/08/2008, 01:10 AM
I read some of them it was interesting, haha

JaTochNietDan
18/08/2008, 01:36 AM
This is for the people who always ask what my name means and I don't know.

Chuck Norris knows what JaTochNietDan means.

Bogdan Cirstea
18/08/2008, 07:01 AM
\i know those with Chuck norris. there is a page where you can chane the name so it can be yours. this is it: http://www.100factsabout.com/

rafay
18/08/2008, 07:50 AM
LOL Nice jokes ;)

rafay
18/08/2008, 07:50 AM
LOL Nice jokes ;)

xClumx
18/08/2008, 09:03 AM
LOL Nice jokes ;)


LOL Nice jokes ;)


Nice double post.

BalazsLott
18/08/2008, 09:05 AM
Chuck Norris once was bitten by a cobra, after three extremely painful days, the cobra died.
Chuck Norris knows who let the dogs out.
Chuck Norris has SA-MP 0.2.5.
Chuck Norris can sneeze with his eyes open.
Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.
Chuck Norris is suing Myspace for taking the name of what he calls everything around you.
Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
Chuck Norris is so fast, he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head.
Chuck Norris’ hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush.
Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water AND make it drink.
Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch, HE decides what time it is.
Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.
Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost
Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.
Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.
Chuck Norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it.
Chuck Norris can't finish a "color by numbers" because his markers are filled with the blood of his victims. Unfortunately, all blood is dark red.
Chuck Norris’ house has no doors, only walls that he walks through.
Chuck Norris doesn't actually write books, the words assemble themselves out of fear.
Chuck Norris CAN believe it's not butter.
Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
Chuck Norris invented his own type of karate. It's called Chuck-Will-Kill.
Chuck Norris once sued the Houghton-Mifflin textbook company when it became apparent that their account of the war of 1812 was plagiarized from his autobiography.
Chuck Norris doesnt shave; he kicks himself in the face. The only thing that can cut Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris always knows the EXACT location of Carmen SanDiego.
Chuck Norris invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.
Chuck Norris has the greatest Poker-Face of all time. He won the 1983 World Series of Poker, despite holding only a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoloy card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game UNO.
Chuck Norris doesn't throw up if he drinks too much. Chuck Norris throws down!
Chuck Norris has 12 moons. One of those moons is the Earth.
Chuck Norris grinds his coffee with his teeth and boils the water with his own rage.
Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.
Chuck Norris and Mr. T walked into a bar. The bar was instantly destroyed, as that level of awesome cannot be contained in one building.
Chuck Norris can drink an entire gallon of milk in thirty-seven second
Chuck Norris doesn't bowl strikes, he just knocks down one pin and the other nine faint.
Chuck Norris has a deep and abiding respect for human life... unless it gets in his way.
Chuck Norris doesn't believe in Germany.
Chuck Norris once ate an entire bottle of sleeping pills. They made him blink.
Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.
Chuck Norris played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.
Chuck Norris is responsible for China's over-population. He hosted a Karate tournament in Beijing and all women within 1,000 miles became pregnant instantly.
Chuck Norris once worked as a weatherman for the San Diego evening news. Every night he would make the same forecast: Partly cloudy with a 75% chance of Pain.
Chuck Norris invented the bolt-action rifle, liquor, <censored>ual intercourse, and football-- in that order.
Chuck Norris keeps his friends close and his enemies closer. Close enough to drop them with one round house kick to the face.
Chuck Norris doesn't stub his toes. He accidentally destroys chairs, bedframes, and sidewalks.
Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks don't really kill people. They wipe out their entire existence from the space-time continuum.
Chuck Norris does not own a stove, oven, or microwave , because revenge is a dish best served cold.
Chuck Norris is expected to win gold in every swimming competition at the 2008 Beijing Olympics, even though Chuck Norris does not swim. This is because when Chuck Norris enters the water, the water gets out of his way and Chuck Norris simply walks across the pool floor
Chuck Norris built a better mousetrap, but the world was too frightened to beat a path to his door.
Chuck Norris eats beef jerky and craps gunpowder. Then, he uses that gunpowder to make a bullet, which he uses to kill a cow and make more beef jerky. Some people refer to this as the "Circle of Life."
Chuck Norris proved that we are alone in the universe. We weren't before his first space expedition.
Chuck Norris doesn't step on toes. Chuck Norris steps on necks.
Chuck Norris does not "style" his hair. It lays perfectly in place out of sheer terror.
Chuck Norris did in fact, build Rome in a day.
Chuck Norris once sued Burger King after they refused to put razor wire in his Whopper Jr, insisting that that actually is "his" way.
Chuck Norris doesn't play god. Playing is for children.
Chuck Norris is the only person in the world that can actually email a roundhouse kick.
Chuck Norris won super bowls VII and VIII singlehandedly before unexpectedly retiring to pursue a career in ass-kicking.
Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.
Chuck Norris cannot love, he can only not kill.
Chuck Norris once pulled out a single hair from his beard and skewered three men through the heart with it.
Chuck Norris’ favourite cut of meat is the roundhouse.
Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.
Chuck Norris invented a language that incorporates karate and roundhouse kicks. So next time Chuck Norris is kicking your ass, don’t be offended or hurt, he may be just trying to tell you he likes your hat.
Chuck Norris's show is called Walker: Texas Ranger, because Chuck Norris doesn't run.
Chuck Norris brushes his teeth with a mixture of iron shavings, industrial paint remover, and wood-grain alcohol.
Chuck Norris wears a live rattlesnake as a condom.
Chuck Norris began selling the Total Gym as an ill-fated attempt to make his day-to-day opponents less laughably pathetic.
Chuck Norris was what Willis was talkin' about.
Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water AND make it drink.
Chuck Norris shot the sheriff, but he round house kicked the deputy.
Chuck Norris can judge a book by its cover.
Chuck Norris does not play the lottery. It doesn't have nearly enough balls.
Chuck Norris just says "no" to drugs. If he said "yes", it would collapse Colombia's infrastructure.
Chuck Norris does not own a house. He walks into random houses and people move.
Chuck Norris is the only person to ever win a staring contest against Ray Charles and Stevie Wonder at the same time.
Chuck Norris smells what the Rock is cooking... because the Rock is Chuck Norris' personal chef.
Chuck Norris does not eat. Food understands that the only safe haven from Chuck Norris' fists is inside his own body.
Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.
Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
Chuck Norris uses a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris is not capable of hitting a target on the broad side of a barn. Every time he tries, the whole damn barn falls down.
Chuck Norris kills anyone that asks, "You want fries with that" because by now everyone should know that Chuck doesn't ever want fries with anything. Ever.
Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin. Its decendants are known today as Giraffes
Chuck Norris once went skydiving, but promised never to do it again. One Grand Canyon is enough.
Chuck Norris's version of a "chocolate milkshake" is a raw porterhouse wrapped around ten Hershey bars, and doused in diesel fuel.
Chuck Norris puts his pants on one leg at a time, just like the rest of us. The only difference is, then he kills people.
Chuck Norris got his drivers license at the age of 16. Seconds.
Chuck Norris can win at solitaire with only 18 cards.
Chuck Norris once shat blood - the blood of 11,940 natives he had killed and eaten.
Chuck Norris doesn't look both ways before he crosses the street... he just roundhouses any cars that get too close.
Chuck Norris does not have to answer the phone. His beard picks up the incoming electrical impulses and translates them into audible sound.
Chuck Norris doesnt wear a watch, HE decides what time it is.
Chuck Norris used to play baseball. When Babe Ruth was hailed as the better player, Chuck Norris killed him with a baseball bat to the throat. Lou Gehrig got off easy.
Chuck Norris’ roundhouse kick is so powerful, it can be seen from outer space by the naked eye.
Chuck Norris' Roundhouse kick is so powerful, that on the set of Sidekicks he single-footedly destroyed Jonathan Brandis' Career.
Chuck Norris can taste lies.
Chuck Norris does not kick ass and take names. In fact, Chuck Norris kicks ass and assigns the corpse a number. It is currently recorded to be in the billions.
Chuck Norris can blow bubbles with beef jerky.
Chuck Norris does, in fact, live in a round house.
Chuck Norris can skeletize a cow in two minutes.
Chuck Norris' first job was as a paperboy. There were no survivors.
Chuck Norris has never been in a fight, ever. Do you call one roundhouse kick to the face a fight?
Chuck Norris never wet his bed as a child. The bed wet itself out of fear.
Chuck Norris uses 8'x10' sheets of plywood as toilet paper.
Chuck Norris once invited all of the other badasses from TV to duke it out in order to see who was the supreme badass. Only two showed up-- Jack Bauer and MacGyver.
Chuck Norris eats steak for every single meal. Most times he forgets to kill the cow.
Chuck Norris doesn't go on the internet, he has every internet site stored in his memory. He refreshes webpages by blinking.
Chuck Norris knows everything there is to know - Except for the definition of mercy.
Chuck Norris never has to wax his skis because they're always slick with blood.
Chuck Norris can win a game of Trivial Pursuit with one roll of the dice, and without answering a single question... just a nod of the head, and a stroke of the beard.
Chuck Norris never goes to the dentist because his teeth are unbreakable. His enemies never go to the dentist because they have no teeth.
Chuck Norris was once in a knife fight, and the knife lost.
Chuck Norris is widely predicted to be first black president. If you're thinking to yourself, "But Chuck Norris isn't black", then you are dead wrong. And stop being a racist.
Chuck Norris can be unlocked on the hardest level of Tekken. But only Chuck Norris is skilled enough to unlock himself. Then he roundhouse kicks the Playstation back to Japan.
Chuck Norris drinks napalm to quell his heartburn.
Chuck Norris once ordered a steak in a restaurant. The steak did what it was told.
Chuck Norris once ate four 30lb bowling balls without chewing.
Chuck Norris was banned from competitive bullriding after a 1992 exhibition in San Antonio, when he rode the bull 1,346 miles from Texas to Milwaukee Wisconsin to pick up his dry cleaning.
Chuck Norris qualified with a top speed of 324 mph at the Daytona 500, without a car.
Chuck Norris likes his coffee half and half: half coffee grounds, half wood-grain alcohol.
Chuck Norris uses tabasco sauce instead of visine.
Chuck Norris' credit cards have no limit. Last weekend, he maxed them out.
Chuck Norris sleeps with a pillow under his gun.
Chuck Norris owns a chain of fast-food restaurants throughout the southwest. They serve nothing but barbecue-flavored ice cream and Hot Pockets.
Chuck Norris doesn't chew gum. Chuck Norris chews tin foil.
Chuck Norris starts everyday with a protein shake made from Carnation Instant Breakfast, one dozen eggs, pure Colombian cocaine, and rattlesnake venom. He injects it directly into his neck with a syringe.
Chuck Norris doesn't see dead people. He makes people dead.
Chuck Norris is the only person who can simultaneously hold and fire FIVE Uzis: One in each hand, one in each foot -- and the 5th one he roundhouse-kicks into the air, so that it sprays bullets.
Chuck Norris knows the last digit of pi.
Chuck Norris plays racquetball with a waffle iron and a bowling ball.
Chuck Norris doesn't believe in ravioli. He stuffs a live turtle with beef and smothers it in pig's blood.
Chuck Norris is not Politically Correct. He is just Correct. Always.
Chuck Norris had to stop washing his clothes in the ocean. The tsunamis were killing people.
Chuck Norris' favorite cereal is Kellogg's Nails 'N' Gravel.
Chuck Norris has never been accused of murder for the simple fact that his roundhouse kicks are recognized world-wide as "acts of God."
Chuck Norris is the only man who has, literally, beaten the odds. With his fists.
Chuck Norris wipes his ass with chain mail and sandpaper.
Chuck Norris describes human beings as "a sociable holder for blood and guts".
Chuck Norris likes his ice like he likes his skulls: crushed
Chuck Norris did not "lose" his virginity, he stalked it and then destroyed it with extreme prejudice.
Chuck Norris' pulse is measured on the richter scale.
Chuck Norris CAN in fact 'raise the roof'. And he can do it with one hand.
Chuck Norris actually built the stairway to heaven.
Chuck Norris once skewered a man with the Eiffel tower.
Chuck Norris doesn't own a can opener, he just chews through the can.
Chuck Norris needs a monkeywrench and a blowtorch to masturbate.
Chuck Norris invented all 32 letters of the alphabet.
Chuck Norris actually owns IBM. It was an extremely hostile takeover.
Chuck Norris can jump-start a car using jumper cables attached to his nipples.
Chuck Norris doesn't have blood. He is filled with magma.
Chuck Norris eats a bowl of diamonds every morning.
Chuck Norris is not only a noun, but a verb.


What site did you get that?

Mikep
18/08/2008, 09:10 AM
Google "chuck norris facts"? I found lots...


I have a funny quote...

Eat shit and die - Duke Nukem :mrgreen:

Antironix
18/08/2008, 09:16 AM
@Balazs, quote it again and I kill you.

It is white and you won't see it.




Milk behind the corner.

spike_killa
27/05/2009, 09:27 PM
- yo mama is so fat that when she got knocked over by a bus she said 'Who threw the smarty'

v0nz
28/05/2009, 08:17 AM
Wanna hear a joke?

Womens rights..


Another = Drop your balls kid. (Love it)

SMX
29/05/2009, 11:44 PM
A blonde cop pulls over a car with a blonde driver and asks her for her drivers licence.
The motorist looks in her purse but can't find it and says: I can't find it, I must have left it at home.
The police officer then asks her if she has any other kind of indentification.
The motorist looks in her purse again, finds a mirror, looks at it and says to the officer: Yeah I have a picture of myself here.
The police officer takes it, looks at it and says: If I'd have known you were a police officer I wouldn't have even pulled you over.

Klutty
30/05/2009, 11:48 AM
Rofl at this one,

Yo mama is so bald, that when she takes a shower, she gets brainwashed.

T1CKLE
30/05/2009, 01:17 PM
Rofl at this one,

Yo mama is so bald, that when she takes a shower, she gets brainwashed.

That is fucking retarded :|

shitbird
30/05/2009, 02:12 PM
Rofl at this one,

Yo mama is so bald, that when she takes a shower, she gets brainwashed.

That is fucking retarded :|
Then fucking make something else.
Your mum's so ugly when she went to the most-ugliest-person competition they replied: "Sorry, no professionals."

rafay
31/05/2009, 01:39 PM
I wish all the fleas in the skin of a camel goes up into your ass, and may your arms grow too shorter that you can't even itch your ass.

T1CKLE
31/05/2009, 02:12 PM
Rofl at this one,

Yo mama is so bald, that when she takes a shower, she gets brainwashed.

That is fucking retarded :|
Then fucking make something else.
Your mum's so ugly when she went to the most-ugliest-person competition they replied: "Sorry, no professionals."


I just love it when kid's tell joke's like these :D.


Jade Goody was looking great at her wedding today

Not a hair out of place

What is the difference between Jade Goody and a moped?
A moped can reach 30.

Max Clifford has announced that Jade Goody's family are preparing for the worst.

What? A full recovery?